19. Stop Sexually Submissive Behavior

Sexual Competition and Sexual Submission

Sexual relations can be very stressful for mammals like us that live in groups. In most primates sexual access to females is restricted to the dominant males. Nondominant males are thus forced to inhibit their sexuality. They are usually attacked if seen approaching a female for sex, and are often forced to either risk sneaking sex, or abstain from it completely. Females are traumatized by sexual competition in a similar way. Are you?

Aside from humans chimpanzees are thought to be the most violent and abusive species on the planet, and they are usually competing for just one primary resource. They do not usually compete for food because the fruit and leaves that they forage for are evenly scattered. They compete for sex and the competition is often violent. Males contend for sexual access to females, and access is determined by rank. Status dictates sexual privileges in many animals, as it probably did, to varying extents, throughout human history. Even in modern humans competition leads to unconscious sexual self-handicapping. This take multiple forms. One is pelvic tension.

Stop Bracing the Muscles Around Your Genitals

Hip and pelvic tension can be a conscious or unconscious attempt to downplay the potency of the genital region and is yet another form of submissive body language. Overtime this leads to withered libido, lessened enjoyment of sex, and sexual dysfunction. There are actually many sources of pelvic bracing. Falling on the bottom, bruising the tailbone, long hours sitting at a desk or a bicycle seat, and all types of physical trauma can lead to hip and pelvic bracing.

Pelvic bracing has been linked to medical disorders. Vaginismus is the involuntary contraction of muscles that surround the vagina. The tight muscles make penetration and intercourse painful for women with this disorder. Many researchers believe that other conditions such as male impotence, latency to female orgasm, and vulvodynia (chronic vulvar pain) can be due to excessive bracing of muscles adjacent to the sexual organs (Whatmore & Kohli, 1968). Common preceding events for these disorders include sexual assault, rape, domestic abuse, sexual humiliation, chronic pain, and generalized anxiety.

It is well known that the blood vessels surrounding the external genitalia constrict during sympathetic stimulation and dilate upon parasympathetic stimulation. This means that blood flow to the penis, clitoris, and vulva is impeded by stress and accentuated by relaxation. In fact, the pelvic floor is one of the most reactive groups of muscles during startle. When it contracts it results in a retraction of the clitoris for women, and of the penis for men. Relaxation of the anococcygeal area is thought to be key in improving the sexual arousal response. In fact, engorgement of the penis and clitoris results from the relaxation of smooth muscle. In other words, the blood doesn’t flow until these unconsciously regulated muscles are able to relax. These are all reasons why I think that consciously unbracing this area is likely improve sexual responsivity.

Sexual Activity #1: Brace and Debrace Your Pelvic Muscles
How does stress and intimidation affect bracing of the muscles around your genitals? Most people could not answer this because they have little to no awareness of this common reaction. Let’s try bracing them to see how it feels. Tighten the muscles in your lower back. Tilt your hips to the side and brace them. Squeeze your legs together. Tighten your urinary sphincter as if you were trying to stop yourself from peeing. Now contract all of these muscles, and anything else you can find, at 90% of their maximum. After 10 seconds let go completely and register what it feels like to let the bracing here subside. Repeat this contraction and relaxation four more times. 

We signal sexual submission by straining sex-related muscles in the abdomen and pelvis. These muscles lose healthy tone after sexual trauma or feelings of sexual inferiority, but can be rehabilitated. Most people have an untapped reservoir of muscle in the groin that has atrophied, but this chapter will show you how to exercise and strengthen it. Proper tone in these muscles allows the genitals increased vascular blood flow (vasocongestion), increases the prominence of arousal, and heightens the accompanying sensations.

Sexual Subordination in Animals

The sexual subordination response isn’t just found in primates or mammals, there are many examples in nature (from vertebrates to invertebrates) of dominant animals causing the atrophication of reproductive organs in subordinates (Herman, 2017). The ovaries of colony workers are suppressed by the resident queen in honeybees, termites, cockroaches and many others. In animals from insects to fish the less dominant males create less sperm that move slower. If given the opportunity to become dominant many fish can reverse this increasing the size of their testes and the motility of their sperm in as little as a few days.

Many animals can grossly inhibit sexual instincts and behaviors in a matter of hours. In mammals, and especially in primates, dominant alphas from both genders attempt to monopolize breeding through intimidation. Being intimidated causes a dramatic decrement in testosterone and other sex hormones. Chronic intimidation can be so stressful that it impairs fertility in subordinates suppressing the testicular axis in males and halting ovulation in females. This is often called “social suppression of reproduction” or “social contraception” (Sapolsky, 2005).

There is an entire body of literature on how conflict in primates creates reproductive disadvantages for the losers. The biggest losers in many monkey species are completely celibate. It is common for dominant males to attack, or physically displace a subordinate male in the middle of copulation terminating the act before the subordinate male can ejaculate. Brain and hormone changes result decreasing the quantity and quality of the displaced male’s sperm. Repeated conflict with a dominant female can cause the subordinate female to lose the ability to conceive. There is every reason to believe that similar coercion and physical repercussions are commonplace in human society. In fact, human infertility and sexual dysfunction are both known by medical researchers to be highly exacerbated by stress.

If you put a mouse in a cage with a more dominant mouse it will undergo a decrease in testosterone and fertility. Similarly, if you spend time with people that treat you as if you are sexually inferior to them, your virility will drop. You must avoid sexual bullying, and must stop yourself from thinking sexually self-subordinating thoughts. I am sure Sigmund Freud would concur.

You don’t want your body to assume that you are the pathetic monkey trying to sneak copulations in hiding. You want to develop a mindset that you can achieve arousal at any time, have sex anywhere, and be in your sexual comfort zone under any social conditions. …As long as it is ethical and legal of course… Just as subordination causes us to ignore our shallow breathing and protracted neck, it also causes us to ignore both the tension and pleasure in our genitals. The best way to counteract this is to learn to “listen” to the genitals.

Sexual Exercise #1: Listen to the Sensations Coming from Your Genitals
Your genitals are continuously sending you sensory signals about their current state of arousal. Most of us completely ignore this steady flux of signals and thus are completely out of tune with our sexuality. If you want to cultivate your sexual response you must pay attention to the sensations coming from in between your legs. Spend 5 minutes meditating on this area. Focus on it completely like you are watching a movie. At first you may not notice anything, but with time and patience you will begin to notice faint instances of erogenous squirming and pulsating. Indulge yourself. Learn to revel in it. With time, practice and the use of the other exercises in this chapter, infrequent quivers will turn into a steady stream of not-so-subtle heaving, and throbbing. Monitor your breath while you do this and imagine breathing “straight into your genitals.” 
Duration: Five minutes. Proficiency: One session per week for six weeks. Maintenance: Once per month.

The next section will discuss a popular sexual exercise, and the section after that will introduce a new exercise that acts as a counterpose to the first. Together these exercises will help to put an end to the pelvic flinching and pelvic strain.

The Urine Retentive Kegel Muscles

You have numerous muscles situated between your sitz bones, pubic bone, and coccyx. They include the pelvic floor, the pubococcygeus muscle, the perineal muscles and others. These muscles support the pelvic organs, contract during orgasm, aid in childbirth and ejaculation, and help to provide core stability.

In the 1960s Arnold Kegel, MD, taught people how to strengthen the perineum (the area between the anus and the genitals). He knew that these muscles are often traumatized in women during childbirth, and he taught women how to contract the muscles, reinstating their strength, in an exercise that came to be known as “Kegels.” Kegels have been prescribed by doctors for many reasons including treating urinary incontinence (Dumoulin & Hay-Smith, 2010), ameliorating erectile dysfunction (Dorey et. al., 2005), and controlling premature ejaculation (La Pera & Nicastro, 1996). Kegels are taught by having the patient interrupt urinary flow repeatedly. Dr. Kegel recommended urinating a spoonful at a time. Try this in the activity below.

Sexual Activity #1: Contracting the Urinary Sphincter
The next time you urinate stop urinating midstream. If you are able to completely stop the flow you have found the right muscles. Try urinating for only a second at a time until you have voided your bladder. Focus on tightening only the pelvic floor muscles, and keeping the abdomen, thighs, anus, and buttocks relaxed. This will allow you to isolate the contraction. Doing this a few times will help you identify the muscles and gain conscious control of them. At that point you can do this exercise without urinating and from any position you want.

Most of us learned to brace the Kegel muscles intensely as young children when “holding it” for long periods to avoid the embarrassing experience of urinating in public. Can you remember an incident where this muscle was likely traumatized by being braced heavily during the traumatic scenario of trying desperately to find a bathroom as a child? Not only do the muscles surrounding the genitals seize up in these scenarios but defensive breathing predominates making the strain worse. In fact, most people have a strong tendency to hold their breath when performing Kegels (Vopni, 2017) and of course this defeats the purpose. This is why I recommend pairing Kegels with paced breathing.

Sexual Exercise #2: Diaphragmatic Kegels
Perform hard Kegel contractions as if you were interrupting the stream of urine. Do this while paced breathing. This will build your capacity to activate the pelvic floor muscles without holding your breath. Hold the contraction for five seconds and then relax for five seconds. Do this twenty times in a row.
Duration: Five minutes. Proficiency: One session per week for six weeks. Maintenance: Once per year.

Interestingly, the Kegel contraction is braced involuntarily during social competition. Kegels result in a retraction of the clitoris, penis, and testicles potentially making them less conspicuous to a competitor. I believe that, in this, they are submissive and intended to hide the genitalia. It is like the sea slug withdrawing its gill, or the snail withdrawing its eyestalk.

The next section will provide you with an exercise that will dilate these areas rather than constrict them. In a previous chapter we learned how important it is to perform forward bends after backward bends to neutralize the spine. I believe that performing Kegels without exercising the antagonist muscles leads to similar imbalances. For example, it has been found that performing Kegels can lead to incomplete emptying of the bladder and this is a risk factor for urinary tract infection and other maladies. As you might have guessed the counterpose for a Kegel is complete bladder emptying. 

The Urine Expulsive Muscles

Male monkeys and apes are frequently observed hiding their erections from other males, especially from males that are above them in the hierarchy. They don’t want to be attacked for being aroused. I think that genital retraction through the Kegel contraction is an innate defense mechanism protecting subordinates from sexually dominant individuals. It is yet another display that is equivalent to collapsed posture. I believe that losing tone and gaining strain in the pelvic region is a self-handicapping mechanism that assumes that it is dangerous to advertise one’s level of sexual arousal.

If you have good tone in your pelvic muscles your flaccid penis or clitoris will increase and decrease in size with your level of arousal. If you have strained or poor tone, the flaccid organ will remain at its smallest possible size until full arousal is reached. Most people are aware that the penis and clitoris shrink in size when exposed to cold. In fact, penile length decreases by up to 50% in the defensive response to low temperature. I believe that men that have experienced a history of chronic intimidation, and sexual subordination are more likely to exhibit this kind of shrinkage when flaccid. This likely corresponds the “grower” vs “shower” dichotomy referenced in popular culture. The growers may be men that have a more extensive history of being sexually intimidated. This may be reversible by performing the opposite of the Kegel.

It should be easy for you to pinpoint the muscles that expel urine. They speed up the stream. These muscles include the lower abdominal muscles, and the bladder detrusor muscle. They aid in the expulsion of urine by increasing the pressure applied to the urinary bladder wall. The stream of urine will cease when the bladder has been voided, but the muscles themselves can still be contracted. Continue to squeeze the expulsive muscles very firmly after the end of urination and you will realize that these muscles can be contracted through their full range of motion. This is a full range of motion that most people never use. Again this is a missing corner of dormant muscle that has become stuck in partial contraction. It is also a reservoir that you can tap into and rehab. As we have seen in previous chapters, sometimes the only way to free muscles from partial contraction is through hard, full contractions.

Sexual Activity #2: Finding the Expulsive Muscles
The next time you urinate do the following. Try to expel the urine slightly more forcefully than usual. Steadily increase the force with which you expel as you empty your bladder. As it nears empty do not let up. Instead squeeze the related muscles hard even after the stream stops. Notice the posture that your lower back and lower abdomen have taken on and remember the feeling of contracting this muscle so that you can do it later. After you have emptied your bladder continue to squeeze the muscle at 70 to 90% maximum force for an additional 10 seconds. It may ache tenderly, but performing this exercise each time you urinate will make this aching disappear within a matter of days.
Duration: Five minutes. Proficiency: One session per week for six weeks. Maintenance: Once per year.

You want to incorporate these urine expelling muscles into your daily standing and sitting postures. The muscles involved include the lower abdominals, so imagine being able to take a small punch to the lowest segment of your abs at any time. This means that you need to practice walking around with your lower abs engaged as if you were peeing. I want to encourage you to walk, jog, exercise, and socialize as if you are dribbling urine everywhere you go. “Listen” closely to the sensations involved. It should feel pleasurable. Imagine spurting rainbows and gushing warm velvet from your urethra on to everything that is in front of you. This should be happening as you look at yourself in the mirror, as you walk around the block, and as you squeeze in that last repetition in the weight room. Imagine that your genitals are permanently everted, rather than inverted. As you strengthen these muscles, muscle memory starts to build, and they will hold a proper tone automatically. I believe that building tone in the muscles that expel urine is highly beneficial for psychosexual health.

I suppressed these muscles during my lifetime through acquiescent, self-handicapping behavior. I have always been averse to dirty jokes and overt sex play, and this may have led to less sexualized perineal posture growing up. I believe that I unconsciously allowed my Kegel muscles to strain and my expulsive muscles to atrophy because I was sexually repressive, and anal-retentive. Again, the expulsive urinary and anal sphincter muscles work antagonistically with the retentive muscles, meaning that expulsive qualities may be especially weak in “retentive” people. If you think that you may be anal-retentive, you are probably also urinary retentive.

When I first started to engage the muscles that expel urine I would become afraid of upsetting a bully that I know even though he was not around. Thoughts, visuals, and a feeling of being in the bully’s presence would intrude into my mind unconsciously. It took me some time to realize that I was bracing these muscles in a restricted range out of fear of “offending” the bully. This bully was athletic, muscular, highly charismatic, and had multiple violent felonies. On one occasion I had seen him continue to make fun of someone even after that person pulled a gun out on him. He had acquired “pseudopsychopathy,” meaning that he had developed criminal, hypersexual, and antisocial personality traits after severe brain trauma. I considered him my friend, but he was neurologically disinhibited after being fully ejected head first through the windshields of two cars that he stole on separate occasions. He would often tell sexually explicit stories describing his sexual prowess in attempts to bully other men. I realized that I had to stop trying to appease this man by subverting my sexuality. After trying to bring peace to this context, I realized that there were additional contexts that caused me to brace my genital musculature. What contexts of intimidation keep you stuck in a partially contracted Kegel? Don’t let anyone keep you in a retentive state where the genitals are retracted, or keep you from contracting your expulsive muscles.

Strengthening the expulsive muscles will make your behavior and thought more sexually assertive. Activity and tone in this area is associated with approach and the seizing of opportunities that are both sexual and nonsexual in nature. It is difficult to maintain a dominant, self-assured demeanor if tone in the expulsive muscles is low. You have probably noticed that worry or sudden fear makes your retentive muscles tense and the expulsive ones limp. Similarly, coming into contact with something sharp or experiencing a fear of height does this as well. This happens immediately and involuntarily during startle and fright. Your pelvic floor recoils from threat.

When you take an ego blow or get upset or flustered, the muscles that expel urine similarly drop out of flexion. If your machismo is questioned but you have the gumption to reassert yourself, you might notice the activity waver and come back. Activity here “shrivels up” when people get their “balls busted.” For many depressed and anxious people, this muscle drops out of tonicity during social encounters. For sexually assertive people it develops a stronger tone when they are around others they are attracted to. For sexually withdrawn people the tone decreases. Losing tone and gaining strain in these muscles leads to emasculation and/or defeminization.

You should notice that once you become more comfortable contracting your urine expelling muscles, that you experience increased blood flow and heightened turgidity in your genitals. This suggests that a formal type of physical therapy centered around exercising the muscles could help to treat both diminished sex drive and erectile dysfunction. However, most medical experts on the topic assume that these muscles operate involuntarily and needn’t be exercised. This is at odds with Ayurvedic medicine and tantric Hinduism which recognize the base of the spine as a chakra (muladhara: the root chakra) and as a power source (kundalini) that must be exercised and meditated on. Some Japanese Zen meditation practices emphasize the lower abdominal area (dantian or tanden) as a focal point for meditation. I believe that the exercises in this chapter can guide you to exert control over, and rehabilitate these foci.

At one point I realized that I could not contract the urinary expulsive muscles at the same time as the gluteus muscles. I did not have the coordination. When I tried, I held my breath. Many people have this functional dissociation. When these are dissociated you are limited to either doing one or the other. However, it is easy to fix. Proper core stability demands that you be able to contract these muscles actively and dynamically. Everyone should teach their body to activate both the urinary and fecal expulsive muscles while simultaneously contracting the buttocks.

Sexual Activity #5: Pairing Expulsive Tone with Gluteal Tone
Stand with optimal posture as described in Chapter 13.  With your feet parallel, contract the gluteus muscles. Now contract either your urinary or fecal expulsive muscles as if you were trying to pee or defecate. Now try all three together. Spend time in this zone varying these contractions to different degrees, while breathing calmly.

As with so much else in this system, if holding two dominant displays simultaneously is impossible or uncomfortable, they inhibit each other. However if you can practice them together, you increase the probability that they will arise spontaneously.

Walk Confidently as if Your Genitals Were On Display

In Chapter 2 we discussed how submissive animals will exert efforts to minimize the appearance of physical assets like horns, claws, and muscles. This includes the genitals. Your everyday posture and mannerisms reveal cues to others as to how comfortable you are naked. Body language evolved during our history as naked apes, so even clothed we often act as if we were naked. Most people conceal their genitals during times of insecurity with their hands, legs, chairs, or tables. When a dominant person makes a power play it is very common for other people of the same sex to place their hands in front of their sex organs. The only time you should conceal or protect the genitals is if you are blocking a physical blow to the groin.

Most people walk in a way that hides or apologizes for their genitalia. Walking like this involves hunching or crouching of the lower back. We use lumbar lordosis and anterior pelvic tilt to withdraw our private parts from view. This obscures the genitals like a dog hiding its tail between its legs. You should do the exact opposite of this. This means walking around with the back and hips open as if presenting or displaying the genitalia. To do this flex your buttocks, press your hips forward and roll the top of your pelvis back as discussed in Chapter 17. It is a completely different style of standing and walking that comes across as much more self-assured and relaxed.

If you imagine that you are naked and comfortable with it in social situations you will project higher confidence. The more time you spend naked, the more comfortable with it you will become. I strongly recommend sleeping naked when possible. If it is something you have never done, the first night doing so may cause you to lose sleep, but you will be a relaxed pro at it within a week. I also recommend spending time alone in your room in the buff as described next.

Sexual Activity #3: Sitting Naked in Front of a Mirror
Prepare your room so that all windows and doors are closed and no one can see in. Lock the door. Completely disrobe. Place towels underneath you if uncomfortable sitting on the floor naked. Spend a full hour reading, watching TV, meditating, whatever you want, completely naked. It can help to have a mirror in front of you. Once you become comfortable, try talking on the phone. How do you hold your body when completely nude? Do you have a tendency to cover up or hide your genitalia? Notice your tendencies change as you become comfortable. Use proper posture. Experiment with pushing your pelvis out, contracting the glutes, and spreading your legs in different ways. If performed with paced breathing this activity will transform your relationship with your birthday suit. 

Masterbation

Most of us were petitioned by our parents at a very young age to stop touching our genitals in the company of others. We learned to feel bad for stimulating this area. This leads to a form of trauma. I recommend briefly touching yourself in a sexual/affectionate way at least 5 times during every day. This can be a graze, a stroke, or a reassuring grope. Some people do this regularly, to others it is very foreign. You can do it alone or discretely in public. Even a second of self-comforting can decrease pelvic bracing.

I used to worry that frequent masturbation could cause certain forms of cancer… until I used pubmed.com to look at the actual medical studies. It does not. In fact, masterbation is not linked to any diseases. So give yourself carte blanche. However, keep in mind that masterbating to pornography desensitizes you to real people potentially leading to sexual dysfunction. Also keep in mind that masterbating with a lubricant can make it difficult for men to sustain an erection with a condom, and masterbating with some sexual toys can make it difficult to sustain arousal during normal intercourse. I also recommend masterbating while standing, otherwise it is easy to lose the ability to remain aroused while standing. Survey, probe, and investigate your sensual side, because if you don’t use it, you will lose it.

You may want to consider “edging” also known as orgasm control. This is the practice of deliberately delaying your orgasm in order to increase pleasure. It can be practiced alone or with a partner and involves the maintenance of a high degree of sexual arousal for an extended period before reaching climax. The key technique involves building toward an orgasm, and then before it is reached, reducing the level of stimulation so as to retain arousal, but delay the orgasm. Modulating the pace and pressure in this way can result in remaining near orgasm in a highly aroused state for several minutes at a time. When the decision is made to permit the orgasm to occur the sensations involved may be amplified (Bodansky & Bodansky, 2000). There is good reason to believe that extended periods of heightened sexual arousal could lead to beneficial results including higher concentrations of stress relieving neurochemicals, increased concentrations of sex hormones, and more profound partner bonding. It is pretty clear that this technique is the polar opposite of what a submissive monkey sneaking copulations does. Take your sweet time during sex.

The fascia and muscles nestled in the pelvis control the responsivity of sexual arousal. Myofascial release is probably just as beneficial for these muscles, as for others muscles. However, there is no existing rubric or procedure to help people do this safely and effectively. Moreover, excessive pressure could damage your sexual organs or drastically change the tone of the muscles that regulate blood flow to them. For these reasons, if you decide to use compressive massage on the areas between your legs I recommend using only very light pressure.

You will find that yoga, antifrailty, and especially the exercises related to lumbar rehab from Chapter 17 will help to free up your hips and lower back making your sexual expression more sensual and enjoyable. Explore new moves and try to incorporate unused, previously dormant muscles into intercourse. Use the next activity to disinhibit and enhance the expressiveness of the muscles and joints involved.

Sexual Activity #4: Hump Your Pillows to Music

Put on some music or a music video. Stack pillows on your bed to support your pelvis in different sexual positions. You can straddle these pillows, kneel, squat, or lie on top of them, or even lean your pelvic bone into them from different angles. While propped on the pillows, simulate sexual thrusting, grinding, and gyrating movements to the beat of the music for an entire song. Experiment with reciprocal and circular thrusting in different planes. Think: heaving, stirring, twerking, pounding and tapping. Create a safe environment for you to practice and master dominant, free flowing, and unhesitating sexual maneuvers. Take your time, feel unhurried, and absorb yourself in the experience without any fear of failure. You will quickly become more confident in the rhythm, timing, and fluid delivery of your pelvis.

Conclusions

After experiencing years of extreme anxiety, at age 25 I decided to see an endocrinologist and have a blood panel taken. The doctor said that the most apparent result from the panel was very low testosterone. Usually this problem only gets worse with time, but over a decade later my blood panels show that my testosterone is back in the normal range. I attribute this recovery first to the far reaching benefits of diaphragmatic breathing, the Program Peace exercises, and especially the exercises in this chapter.

Many scientists concur that a satisfying sex life may be as important as diet, and exercise in promoting health. However, our culture steals our sexuality from us by making us feel sexually inadequate. Because of our infatuation with status people want to be exposed to things that make them question their social standing. This is true even when it comes to sexual prowess. Because of this marketers and modern media inundate us with content that make us feel sexually inferior. They not only make us feel inadequate, but they also make us feel like our partners are inadequate.

Television, movies, comedians, photo doctoring on social media, the ubiquity of unrealistic pornography, and the occasional sexual failure have given all of us sexual inferiority complexes. Most people feel that their sexual endowment or bedroom proficiency are inadequate in some ways, or that their body is not conventionally attractive enough. These feelings trigger our hardwired sexual self-handicapping response. They rob us of our ability to feel horny and relish erotic experiences. Sexual worrying causes us to suppress our sexuality, brace our perineal muscles, and start down an early road to sexual decline and dysfunction. It can be enough to push minor penile or clitoral erectile issues into full blown sexual dysfunction. Don’t let this happen to you.

You have nothing to feel bad about sexually as long as you treat your partner with affection, you have good intent, and you are driven to become a better lover. See yourself and your partner as sexual Olympians. Follow behind your partner in the mall, staring at their butt, thinking about how you love them, and lusting after their private parts as you contract those urinary expulsion muscles. Don’t let anything undermine your sexuality. Listen to it. Own it. Celebrate it.

Chapter 18: Bullet Points

  • Primates are forcibly sexually competitive and this causes all but the most dominant individuals to become sexually submissive.
  • Sexual submission involves pelvic floor bracing, which in turn is related to sexual dysfunction, and the regression of psychosexual development.
  • This can be rehabilitated by exercising both the urinary retention and expulsion muscles and pairing these exercise with diaphragmatic breathing.
  • Spend time focusing on the physical sensations emanating from your genitals, and touch them in affectionate and reassuring ways to reduce bracing.
  • When alone spend time naked, when in public pretend that you are both naked and comfortable.
  • Whether you are naked or clothed: flex your buttocks, push your hips forward, roll the top of your pelvis backward, and otherwise use your body language to show that you are proud to have your genitals on display.
  • Don’t spend any time obsessing over perceived inadequacies, and get people and media that are toxic to your sexuality out of your life.
  • Give your sexuality permission to show up uninvited.